Your Kid Isn’t the Problem: The Truth About Food Battles at Home

Dr. Wendy: Hey, welcome back. I want to say congratulations. You decided that things are going to be changing in your house. More veggies, maybe less processed stuff. You're cutting back on juice boxes, clearing out the cabinets and the pantry. And you are doing this. And then your kid looks you dead in the eyes and says, I hate this. Or if they're of a certain age, this sucks. or they just started crying through the broccoli, whatever the newly fresh made food is, started sneaking food into their room. ⁓ now you're wondering, my God, am I doing this wrong? ⁓ Is kit broken? Am I broken? What am I failing here? ⁓ And I want you to hear me loud and clear on this one. You're not doing it wrong. ⁓ Neither you is broken. but there's really something that's getting in the way that we haven't been talking about. and once you understand it, everything else makes a lot more sense. So when you introduce a change in your household, any change, but especially around food, it's your child's job developmentally to push back. Let me repeat that as a pediatrician in practice for 21 years, I'm going to let you know it is your child's job to push back. Kids are wired to test their limits. They're building something that's called autonomy. So it's a sense of their own agency in the world. And food is one of the few areas where even a three-year-old can feel some sense of control. They can clamp their mouth shut. They can refuse. They can also be very, very loud about it. so when the menu changes ⁓ the pushback starts, nothing gone wrong here. ⁓ That's Tuesday night ⁓ in household ⁓ that very... normal as you're trying to create changes and you have a developing human routine has changed. They're recognizing it and they're letting you know about that. ⁓ If you want to see change in your child's eating habits without pressure, constant mealtime battles, or the shame you grew up with, you're in the right place. Welcome to Family in Focus. I'm Dr. Wendy Schofer, the pediatrician helping parents lead meaningful change without harm. Here we focus on the connection and practical shifts that help families thrive at every size. Let's get started. The mistake most parents make is interpreting that resistance as a signal to back off. You know, thinking, well, they hate it, so maybe I'll just go back to what it is that they liked. But the really hard truth for the whole family is that kids cannot be in charge of the menu. When they are, everyone winds up eating pizza or maybe dino nuggets. for every single meal. So adults have two jobs. One, you set the table because you can balance the decisions between knowing what your child can and will eat right now and the healthy habits that you want them to practice and develop long-term. Your second job is to expect the resistance and quite honestly, equip yourself to weather it. as par for the course and not to avoid it entirely. Now, before we talk about strategy, I want you to understand something about your kids' current eating habits because this is something that if we skip it entirely, we're missing a huge opportunity to really understand why we wanna go through these struggles. So their current habits, they're doing right now, however they eat, whatever it is that they prefer to have on the menu, it's working. It's working for them in some way or another. It is solving a problem. So food is a remarkably effective short-term fix for a whole lot of things that have nothing to do with hunger. So let's think about the list. First of all, hunger, obviously, okay? Food fixes hunger. But food also fixes anxiety. Especially highly processed foods. offer a really big bang of taste as well as repetition a lot of kids are looking for the same menu over and over again to be genuinely calming for their nervous system. Another thing that food can fix is exhaustion. Now, this may not make sense right away, but if you think about this at the end of a long day, Or when physical or mental energy are decreasing, food can distract from the exhaustion and bring, well, a totally different type of energy that changes the mood and how kids feel in the moment. ⁓ can be really social. It's really comforting ⁓ by ⁓ or others, ⁓ and can create a new ritual. that can counter that loneliness. then of course, ⁓ not overlook boredom. Eating is doing something and kids' brains are hardwired to seek stimulation. When there's a lull, they're like, I'm bored. They will often look for food to fill in that void or that gap in moments of stimulation. So ⁓ Your child isn't sneaking snacks because they're defiant. They've really been learning through all of their experiences that snacks are simply making them feel better and honestly, really quickly. And that doesn't mean that you need to change things, but when you remove the fix, the snacking, before you've addressed the underlying need, well, you're gonna get pushback. You're gonna get resistance because from their perspective, you just took away something that was really working for them. this is why a lot of willpower-based approaches, ⁓ know, that whole, we're not buying it anymore, they'll adjust, can backfire. Not that it doesn't work, it's that you have ⁓ pushback. The need doesn't disappear. The behavior just gets louder because they're trying to meet their needs and they no longer have the food ⁓ they turned to before. And The pushback can also be a lot harder for parents to deal with when you're exhausted too. So candy wrappers under the bed. How much fun that can be when you're already exhausted. So what do we do instead? We need to build a bridge. not a wall, most definitely not some kind of a podium to from or to explain nutrition from. a legit bridge, something ⁓ you can connect with your child to draw them towards the change instead of pushing them away from it. And this is what it looks like in real life. ⁓ first of all, address your exhaustion first. When our becomes dependent on our child's need to change their behavior. So thinking I will be less stressed when my child stops acting this way. We're putting, well, the cart before the horse. this ⁓ actually a really big misstep to identify. ⁓ we take a moment or five to calm ⁓ nervous systems before engaging with our children, we are creating the biggest change right there. We are creating a bridge to them by first regulating ourselves, down just a notch ⁓ be able to be a little bit clearer about where it is that you want to go. Our kids are meant to be on this roller coaster of emotions. ⁓ part of their job description. And in order to weather that, we need to take care of ourselves first. Number two, build autonomy and expect pushback. So before you make changes, spend some time just being there with your child. Find places where they can choose and express their interest. Now, maybe that's clothing choices. Maybe it's an activity, has nothing to do with food. Or maybe it's having some input about what types of foods they do wanna eat more often. Maybe it's what types of snacks they want to have in the house. When you serve something that's not their choice, remember that, well, they are disappointed and they are also learning how to feel and perhaps express disappointment. That is a part of the process. Number three, make the unfamiliar feel safe. So you don't have to overhaul everything at once. In fact, yeah, please don't, okay? Do not do that. one new food and pair it alongside with something that they already will readily eat. And it's not a trick, it's actually just trying to group things together to build ⁓ We are totally trying to build bridges and... grouping foods together that you already know this is accepted, let's see how we can pair it together. That is creating a repeated low pressure exposure to a new food alongside of comfort of what it is that they already know and readily will eat. a big part of how ⁓ taste preferences develop as we're together different foods. And then number four, name the need before you change the food. So if your child is reaching for snacks when they're bored after school, well, what if you identify this is boredom in action and really address that first. Take a quick movement break or a few moments of one-on-one conversation or find out what's going on underneath the surface and then consider, okay, as a snack still indicated here or not. not eliminating the snack. You're not shutting the door on it. You're just, you know, really exploring more about what's going on underneath the surface ⁓ also teaching their brain that other things can meet that need as well, ⁓ just snacks. Now remember, a bridge is not built in a day. ⁓ Each one of these moments that we're talking about, each one of these opportunities is a place where you get to stay curious and to keep on building connection and practice and more steps along the way with your child. So here's your takeaway. It's a three-part formula. Number one, expect the pushback. It is developmental. It is normal. ⁓ are not doing anything wrong when you are on the receiving end. Number two, understand why how current habits are working for your child, what need it's meeting before you try to dismantle it all. Number three, build the bridge. Take care of yourself first and then connect with their needs before you start changing anything about their food. Hey, you've got this. Parenting around food is genuinely one of the hardest things. It touches on everything, our own upbringing, the shame that we grew up with around food and bodies, but it also touches on control and love and anxiety and boredom and culture and memories. Be patient with yourself and your child because you are learning very new things and growing together. by the way, if you have a candy sneaker on your hand, ⁓ kid who is ⁓ candy, eating in secret, hiding wrappers, ⁓ have something that's ⁓ specifically for you. ⁓ No More Candy Wrappers Under the Bed is my new workshop where parents get to learn how to stop their child's sneaking and create healthy relationships. And so check out the link in my show notes. if you're listening and realizing that you want support applying this in your own family, that's exactly why Family In Focus exists. Please remember, I'm a doctor. I'm not your doctor and this podcast is for education, not medical advice. Take what fits, leave what doesn't and be gentle with yourself as you lead the change you want to see in your family.