When Weight Becomes All You Can See: A Better Way Forward

Dr. Wendy: Want to know how to get out of the trap? the one that you feel that you're stuck in right now as a parent worried about your child's weight and eating habits. Here you go. Name ⁓ thing that's going well with your child. Not weight, ⁓ not their eating. One thing, anything at And if your just went ⁓ blank or jump to list of what's wrong, that space, it's the And there is way out of it. ⁓ So here's what's actually happening the moment someone tells you that your child's weight or eating habits need to change. Inside in your brain, your focus down. It narrows down ⁓ ⁓ ⁓ that you can see ⁓ the risk, the danger and the gap. ⁓ distance between where your child is ⁓ now ⁓ ⁓ you've been told. that they're supposed to be. And once we're staring at that gap, well, as far as our brain's concerned, that's all that's there. We just see that big distance, the distance that we need to go. We stop seeing the kid who made us laugh, who's artistic and creative, who's the biggest helper. We stop seeing the whole child and we start seeing what it is that someone says that they're not doing and that narrowing, feels really responsible. feels like good parenting, like helping them survive and be healthy. And it feels like, well, we're finally taking it all seriously, but it's actually the thing that makes us get stuck. this really morphed ⁓ from book called the gap and the gain by Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy ⁓ and Welcome to Family in Focus. I'm Dr. Wendy Schofer, the pediatrician helping parents lead meaningful change without harm. Here we focus on the connection and practical shifts that families thrive at every size. Let's get started. It's a concept that really changes everything when you apply it to families. So the gap is comparison. So you measure against an ideal where you should be, where they should be. then question really becomes, well, what is the ideal? What is the ideal weight? Why does the ideal health status? What is the ideal condition or relationship? Well, big surprise, it moves. You never actually arrive. You're always falling short. You always feel like you're failing. Welcome to modern day life and the comparisons that we are making each and every day of our lives, thinking that there's something more, there's something healthier or better that we need to try and do. gain is when you measure against where you started. You look back and you see, well, how far you've actually come, what you've become. You see the growth, you see the progress that is very real. And so now I ask you to picture that with your child. In the gap between where you are and where you anticipate you could, should, would be, you see a number on a growth curve that someone flagged. And then all of a sudden you feel like you're behind, like you're not doing enough. In the game, you see a kid who's growing, a kid who's developing, becoming more of their beautiful selves each and every year. You see what's working. You see the foundation that is already there. What you've already been building with them for years. cannot build on a foundation that you refuse to look at, that you completely ⁓ looking at what still needs to be done. You grow. What you acknowledge is already built and growing. You need to know where your foundation is. ⁓ And so why we start with. looking at the game, looking at what's good, looking at what's working at the ground that we're already standing on. You are right there already. This is not some kind of like deflection or feel good detour. It's not a distraction from other goals. It's actually the starting point for any change that's going to last. So let's... Look at how this applies to families that I work with all the time. work with parents, well, ⁓ have ⁓ child who's bigger and perhaps they have another child who's smaller. And alone, as you think about like, what am I supposed to be focused on? That could make your head spin. So within the same family, ⁓ they're told to ⁓ dial weight up on one child and dial it down on another. Meanwhile, you're still serving meals at the same dinner table and you've got opposite instructions. It's maddening. Absolutely maddening. And so if your job is to manage numbers, well, you've just been given two very contradictory assignments and a single kitchen and there's only one of you. What on earth are you supposed to do? And so that's where I work with parents to step back. Every single time we step back to see the whole child, each one of the children that's in your home, in the context of what is going well for them, how they're growing, how they're developing, who they're becoming, and what their unique needs are. And so it's not just about trying to dial in their numbers in, you know, opposite directions, like you're running some kind of a crazy mad scientist control panel. It's not about having a control panel. It's about raising people. People who are different, who have different needs, and also you're all thriving right now. And so here's something that I want you to do today. Name one thing that's going well with your child, with your family, with your relationships. And don't just blow it aside. Don't just push it aside. Once you've said, ⁓ yeah, that's it. Hang onto it. Hang onto it for a few moments and just ask yourself, well, why is this working? What else is going on beneath the surface? Maybe you have a very creative child. Well, how is that working for them? What does it mean about your child, about your family, and what it is that you're already ⁓ doing This is really important to look at. going right is ⁓ you the foundation that you are building upon. And these are parts that we cannot take ⁓ In fact, in order to be able to understand how we can create changes without harm, we have to see the parts that we cannot change. These are the things. ⁓ that are creating the child that you're enjoying right now, the child that you're looking at, the things that make them uniquely them, that make your relationship unique. You can't take that away. Focus on what is going well. And so before you start to change a single thing, start right here and just take a big picture look the whole child, the whole home, your relationship, what's going well. This is the ground that we build upon because we know that there's a foundation. Now, if you're kind of searching, you're like, I'm not so sure if this is what I'm supposed to be focusing on or not. There's nothing too big and there's nothing too small to be able to say this is what's going well right now. It may be. that you got to hear a brief laughter today. You got a little smile. Maybe there was a hug. Maybe your child did something new for the first time. This is going well. So this is the work that I do with parents within Family In Focus, helping families see the whole child, find the foundation, build the relationships that last at every size and every age. And so if you're ready to learn more, come on over to the show notes and you will learn more about Family in Focus and how to be able to participate in the newsletter and workshops as well as direct work with me. Hey, while I'm a doctor, I am most definitely not your doctor. This podcast is for education and not medical advice. Take what fits, leave what doesn't, and remember, you are the parent creating the change that your family needs right now.