Think Beyond Habits: The Hidden Patterns Shaping Your Child’s Eating

Dr. Wendy: Welcome back my friends. I have to tell you that for somebody that talks about habits all the time, whether we're talking about eating habits or exercise habits, sleep habits, we're talking about the wrong thing. And ⁓ want to really ⁓ into today why focusing on habits ⁓ ⁓ not helping ⁓ how we can shift. to talking about patterns and it completely changes the conversation and the dynamic. today want to show how the shift we make within family and focus changes everything. And it is specifically the shift from habits to patterns. when ⁓ you're thinking about a habit, what comes to mind? ⁓ I think ⁓ about my of chocolate. ⁓ Perhaps you're thinking a bad habit, maybe something that needs to change. ⁓ And I think that's something that comes up very quickly. When we're talking about habits, we think ⁓ about things often black and white terms. And so it's good or it's bad. ⁓ healthy or unhealthy. you know, I think it's something where we get stuck repeatedly because we think about habits and it almost kind of feels like this is something that I'm going to just keep on doing. And by definition, I mean, habits are just you know, things that we have repeated over and over again that we don't have to think about it. It's not even on our to-do list anymore because our subconscious has kind of said, you know what? I got this. We're on autopilot now. And that can be really helpful to say, okay, I no longer have to focus this or, know, really processing it. ⁓ My brain just doing it ⁓ on autopilot. And yet it can also be a struggle when we're looking at eating habits, when we're looking at our routines over the course of the day and how we are doing things that we're not even having to put conscious thought into it because we're just on autopilot. have repeated it so many times. So whether that is a habit, like doing a layup. If you want to see change in your child's eating habits without pressure, constant mealtime battles, or the shame you grew up with, you're in the right place. Welcome to Family in Focus. I'm Dr. Wendy Schofer, the pediatrician helping parents lead meaningful change without harm. Here we focus on the connection and practical shifts that help families thrive at every size. Let's get started. Yes, I totally just went to basketball here, but you know, think about how if you practice it enough, you don't even have to think about the steps that are going into it and how you put the basketball up. I am clearly someone who does not know how to actually do a layup because I'm trying to work my way through the whole thought process right now. What do I say? How do I work that? And that's because it has not become a habit for me. I have not practiced it enough. for it to be automatic, even for me to be able to talk about it. Well, let's start applying this into our homes. And I think that one of the challenges that we have is that we think of habits in what it is that we see. We see behaviors, we see actions, what we do, but there's so much more underneath it. And I think of habits as of like the tip of the iceberg. It's just what you see. But underneath the habits, the behaviors, the actions, whatever word you want to use, there's so much more underneath the surface. So thinking about patterns of stress and emotions, dynamics within the home, what is it that you know the environment What is in the environment? What is the availability of resources? We can definitely look at the connection to the availability of food that's in the environment here when we're talking about eating habits. And so I really encourage looking at the patterns about what else is going on in the environment. And that's why I actually switched the language from habits to patterns. Part of it is because that initial part where, you know, habits feel so heavy, like I'm just destined to do this, my subconscious is taken over and I'm on autopilot. And also noticing how often parents have concerns about, well, is this addiction? Is this something that, you know, there's big bad things that are going on here? It's all patterns. I've told this story before and It is definitely relevant here when my niece came out for vacation. So she lives in Kansas. I live out near Virginia Beach. And so we went to the beach and she was fascinated by what was going on with the waves, how she could see that there were particular places where the waves were crashing and the way that they were crashing. And so we just started talking about patterns, patterns of the waves. And then we started switching over to the patterns of, you know, how people were acting and how they were dressed and started getting into, well, what do you think their emotions are? I was like, well, that's what Aunt Wendy does all the time. I focus on patterns. And we immediately went to my role in the pediatrician office. I was like, well, I'm always looking for patterns about, you know, patterns of growth, patterns of symptoms. So when I'm putting together different patterns, it helps me figure out, this fit a diagnosis or is this maybe something that I can exclude a diagnosis? It helps me figure out the next step and each of those steps contributes to the pattern. And so it really was a shift in the conversation then with her to say patterns are everything that we do. And that's ⁓ the surface of the iceberg. So ⁓ are ⁓ everywhere. ⁓ Everywhere. It's not just the diagnosis. It's not just ⁓ the behaviors. It's just we see. So curious about, well, what are the emotions? ⁓ What's the environment? What's going on with the relationships? are also patterns. All of these pieces are moving together. And so I've really shifted the conversation from looking at habits, looking at just what we see to really understanding so much more about the patterns. So let's talk about this and really make this visual. So. If you know of the artist M.C. Escher. In his artwork, he had something that was called tessellations where Things will slowly shift. Shapes will slowly shift over the course of his artwork. So a bird becomes a fish. A square becomes a lizard. But it doesn't happen all at once. There's tiny shifts that are just repeated over and over again, slowly transforming the entire pattern. Well, for those of you that are right here with me today, I would like to introduce since I cannot bring up an Escher because I don't know about whatever copyrights I can bring up the artist who has become known as W chauffeur. So this is actually an art project that I did back in high school. ⁓ yes, we are justifying everything with every move that we have ever made and that I've held on to it. And so having the I'm totally dating myself from the 1990s. an air walk figure, the running, scary air walk dude, transforming into a turtle. so embracing the contradiction, but, you know, shifting from this running brand figure to a turtle. And it didn't happen right away. If you notice that it's something where there was a slow shift in the pattern. And to be quite honest with you, I started filling in what's the space in between. What is going on here? So I am not sharing this because this is some kind of high level artwork. It is the first thing that I thought of when I was thinking about how shifts happen slowly. They happen collectively. They happen over time. And then a new pattern emerges. And so I encourage parents to think about that all the time. You know, really looking at how we can shift family patterns with small shifts in the way that we respond in the way that we create environments and little shifts in our environment, meaning the physical environment around food that's in the environment, but also the emotions that we are experiencing and how we're expressing them. And suddenly, as we're creating little shifts over time in the patterns, the entire environment is changing. This is the whole background for the work that we do within Family in Focus. Making those overhauls are something that's really dramatic. And so you don't have the habits and the patterns established. And so all of a sudden you feel like you're out in the middle of nowhere and you don't have the structure and the repetition to lean on. That's where we start going to willpower and it runs out. When stress gets hard, we go back to what we know. Well, if we can start creating little shifts, tiny shifts in the pattern. It's not something that is as stressful to the system and you can start accommodating over time. And so really those small shifts that I ask parents to make every single time we work together, what is the language may be, ⁓ what is a tiny experiment that you want to try this week? What is one thing that you want to, you know, just kind of see to try to experiment, to shift. There's a lot of different language about it, but it's all about making little adjustments. There's another one, a little adjustment that you can make. It's not about saying, all right, I need a new habit. It's just a little adjustment, man. And we just keep on building one thing at a time. So I'm going to invite you to Try a simple experiment this week. And really think about a habit. Think about something that you're like, this really feels like it is just something that I repeatedly do. I do invite you to start with yourself. And then instead of asking, like, how do I stop this behavior? How do I change this habit? Get curious about it. Get curious about the patterns, the patterns of everything around it. So, you know, about the environment, about the emotions, about the stress, maybe how this particular behavior, what we're calling a habit right now, maybe how it is a coping mechanism for stress that you're experiencing. And just noticing the patterns. This is really the first step to be able to shift it. And so we're not going in trying to like drive that car straight into it, say this will change. Just start noticing the patterns for right now and get curious about it. So and with that, remember, you are leading change without harm. It starts with you as the parent. You have such a crucial role here. And it's first starting with getting curious, noticing those patterns so that we can then shift them without harm. If you want help doing this inside of your own family, that's exactly the work that we do Family In Focus. And so you can come on over to website at wendyshofermd.com to learn so much more. ⁓ We just chase habits. We are really ⁓ learning see and shift the patterns that shape everyday life. within your real home. invite you to check out this next video right up here, the three simple steps to transform your child's relationship with food. ⁓ It gets into the pattern-based framework that I use my work within Family In Focus, so go check that out. ⁓ And remember, while I'm a doctor, I am not doctor. This podcast is for education, not medical advice. what fits, leave doesn't. ⁓ And that ⁓ you ⁓ are the creating ⁓ the that families need right now. so glad you're here a part of the movement. I'll see you again next time.