The Truth About Perfectionism and The Stress It Creates in Your Child’s Life

Dr. Wendy: Welcome. Welcome back to Family in Focus. So there is this sneaky little thing. It has snuck into our homes and I have honestly been struggling with it myself. And so today we're going to talk about it. And that is perfectionism. Specifically how perfectionism is, well, first of all, sneaking into our homes, but how it is influencing our families, how it's impacting our eating habits, our movements, our relationships. And this is definitely something to explore because I think that you're going to find that perfectionism is sneaking up in many different aspects of your life as well as what's happening with your children's relationships at home. So let's dive right in. know, what, what do you think of when you think of perfectionism? What do you picture? What kind of scenarios do you think of? I personally go right to thinking of someone who has to have things the right way, having things lined up or very meticulous. So right away, being a physician, I think about my colleagues in particular in surgery, like everything has to be exactly right. The right incision, the right. stitches, you know, just looks beautiful. My colleagues that went into plastic surgery. ⁓ my goodness. Like they excel at this. And yet there's so much more to it because, know, in medicine in particular, we've really been selected for, you know, being high achieving, but that's not all that perfectionism is. fact, ⁓ perfectionism can absolutely be associated with high achievement, can be something that develops as you're seeking high achievement. But I think that there's a part that we need to look at and that's about the striving, the comparison, what's going on behind the scenes. Yeah, it's really about what's going on behind the scenes. And so when I think about perfectionism, I think about the striving to achieve also ⁓ What does it mean? What do you have to experience in order to be able to attain your goals? What happens when you don't achieve your goals? And also how does this impact different areas of life? So we're going to explore a little bit more of that. Let me give a quick example of how this has been impacting me recently. ⁓ I've been noticing this a lot, especially since I've been starting up. If you want to see change in your child's eating habits without pressure, constant mealtime battles, or the shame you grew up with, you're in the right place. Welcome to Family in Focus. I'm Dr. Wendy Schofer, the pediatrician helping parents lead meaningful change without harm. Here we focus on the connection and practical shifts that help families thrive at every size. Let's get started. Starting up the podcast again. So season one had 115 episodes and I had really gotten on a roll. had initially started off recording the episodes in my closet. Okay, if you go back to the early episodes, you will hear me talking about being in the closet and finally coming out because I thought that the sound had to be just right. I was terrified of anyone sneaking in and then I would start having my dog kind of like scratching at the door. And I was like, ⁓ I got to give up on this because he is persistent. and so I came out into my office and I thought that was really developing really well with this. ⁓ I've noticed that the perfectionism has come back in again, where I keep on thinking, well, I have to have the right lighting. I have to have the right outline. for my podcast, have my points set up. I want to have my content in my podcast as well as on YouTube. So I need the right structure. I need to make sure that things are, you know, effective, efficient. yeah, like really maximizing the time that I'm spending ⁓ also what you're receiving. And so ⁓ has ⁓ together gotten to the point where I am terrified to hit record. Once again, it's like I'm back at the very beginning of my journey again, because I keep on thinking it's never good enough. It's never good enough for me to hit record or even when I do hit record, I say the magic word in the background and my podcast editor, Kelsey, is coming in and saying, all right, I got to go and edit that again. because I keep on wanting to make it better and better. And it's making it so that I'm terrified of doing anything. ⁓ gosh. And so I'm gonna specifically say to Kelsey, don't edit. This is me. This is me. The whole picture right here, right now. So let's see how it's impacting you and your family. and I'm going to ⁓ about three different ways. And by the way, if you notice me moving, or if you hear me getting a little bit jumbled, it's because ⁓ dealing with this critter. ⁓ am ⁓ embracing my lack of perfectionism today with a cat that is all throughout my office. ⁓ ⁓ now a hairy microphone because she is shedding all over it. ⁓ Okay, so let's get back to those three points. ⁓ So three different areas that perfectionism may be sneaking into your home. So number one, the whole concept of healthy versus unhealthy. How often this is just a part of our language as we're talking about food, as we're talking about activities, as we're thinking about the decisions that we're making in our lives, it's like, well, it's not just a label of healthy or unhealthy, it starts becoming this goal that we're striving for making the healthy choice. it sounds very valiant. It sounds like something that we want to do. And yet what happens ⁓ you're not able to make the choice ⁓ the ideal choice that you're looking for? ⁓ see this happen a lot in families that are talking about how they want to make healthy changes. They want to make healthier meals. And so getting to the point, well, I'm gonna start making this meal at dinner time and it's going to have this recipe and I need these ingredients and I need this much time. And then when, what do you say? When the rubber hits the road, what happens is parents find that they don't have the time, they don't have the ingredients, they quite honestly don't have the bandwidth to do what it is that they wanted to do in the first place. And so what do they do? They toss it out and they go get fast food. Hey, by the way, there's no wrong decision here. And yet what I'm kind of highlighting here is how that perfectionism that it needs to look a certain way. I have to have all the right things, all the right time, or else it's a wash. I'm just going to give up on it. And so that's one way that perfectionism is actually sneaking into our homes. Another one is with body image. So thinking about our thoughts about our bodies, our perceptions, well, how much of that is being influenced by the messages that we're receiving and quite honestly, the comparison that we're making. So perhaps it's a comparison to what your body looked like before. Maybe it's the comparison of what your body or what someone else's body looks like. as you're viewing them in person or as you're scrolling on social media, maybe it's a comparison of your body to some ideal, whether it's some kind of like, and this is air quotes here for those that are listening on the podcast, some kind of health ideal. So health in, in, ⁓ air quotes, looking at comparison to numbers and metrics. And so. What I notice as I'm talking with families that there's a lot of concerns about how that body image, the ideals, what we're comparing to starts becoming this kind of like ideal that we're striving for. And then when we can't make it, we're just kind of like kind of pushing it away, kind of giving up on it. Or we get really, well, I don't want to say that. I was about to say tightly spun, which sounds a little bit judgmental on it, but let's be honest about it. We start trying to control all the different factors. And so that's where that perfectionism that's striving for, ⁓ an ideal that's out there, whether you determined it or someone else did, or it's comparison where we start having this laser focus on it. Well, what happens is we can start becoming really rigid. We can also, once again, if we notice that we're not achieving that goal, we can start tossing away. And so that's where a lot of the scrolling, the comparing, where it's something that I, what this often will look like is like thinking that if I'm not achieving that, that I must be failing. There is an element of perfectionism in that, that if I'm not meeting these ideals, which are quite honestly, pervasive, like in our culture, there are so many different cultural ideals that are being promoted. can't even say about what's realistic, what's not, what is healthy or not. But there's a lot of different kind of benchmarks that are being put out there for us to strive for. noticing what happens as we're like, this is not realistic for me, for my life, for my body. And how much we start beating ourselves up for that. Or going back again to the scrolling and start doing the doom scrolling. ⁓ so the third one is, ⁓ actually a different part that I noticed, and this is one that I'm going to like stand up. No, I'm not going to sit, ⁓ but I'm going to just say that this is me. Okay. So the perfectionism that I think that it needs to look a certain way. My goodness. This is my podcast in a nutshell. think it needs to look a certain way and. When I don't have all the right factors, when I don't have everything together for it, I procrastinate. am dragging my feet. I keep on finding more reasons that it's not the time to do this because well, you know, the lighting's not right. The animals aren't taken care of. didn't freshly wash my hair. you can apply this to your life as well. Like what happens? When you're thinking about, you know, going out and doing your favorite activity, or we can just change it, going to work out what's getting in the way. What's all the things that you think it all needs to line up. ⁓ so whether it's procrastination or just flat out refusing to do it. So when we think that things need to look a certain way, or they need to line up a certain way in order to do it, a lot of times. We get to the point where we say, well, I'm just not going to do it because, this isn't good enough or the factors aren't lining up right. And, ⁓ you know, I see this a lot with kids in particular with getting out and playing sports and hear about, you know, families are saying, you know, I can't get my kid to go out and play on this sports team. say for the soccer team, because well, he's not good at it. He's not good at soccer and so he doesn't want to go out and play or I don't want to put him out into this sport because his friends are more advanced so he's not going to get the play. And let's just be honest, this happens. This happens all the time and it's another form of perfectionism because we think that it needs to look a certain way that we need to perform a certain way in order to be able to get whatever the result is that we want to be able to be on the team, to be able to play, to be able to say that we're good, to have fun. And I'm going to challenge us. And this is something that I noticed. ⁓ So I joined the adult women's soccer league. I think I'm getting all the right words there. The women's soccer league. A number of years ago. By the way, moms play too. And I noticed that something was very, very different from when I was playing back as a high school student, which is the last time that I played. Let's just say there's been many years between that and now. you know, back in, in ⁓ high school, there was a lot of focus on the competition. I will tell you another day, the story of me being cut from the team. That's not for today, but let's just say I did not meet all of those different criteria. And so for the longest time, I did not go and play soccer. I thought I wasn't good enough, that there was no reason for me to go out and do it because, well, I had been cut while I wasn't good enough. what happened is I went out and it was completely by an invitation from a friend of mine who just said, just come out and play with us. ⁓ what happened is ⁓ noticed that I was no longer making the comparisons. ⁓ Okay. Let's be honest. I do still notice comparisons. Okay. They're really, really amazing women on this team. Like they, they can do things with the ball that I see what they're doing. just does not happen with my body. so while I can notice those comparisons, why I can even try to maybe play with the ball a little bit before ⁓ turn it over to someone else. I'm that the goal now is for fun. I'm noticing that as I'm going out there just with the intention of not having it look a certain way in order for me to get on the field, it's about going out and just embracing the fun. And of course I have so much more fun with it. And I think that that's something that I'm trying to apply that to what I'm doing right now as I'm talking about my challenges with perfectionism in the podcast. And so for those that are watching the video here today, you will notice that I'm wearing, well, quite honestly, a shirt that I found in my soccer bag. is thoroughly wrinkled. It does say get fresh with me. Yes, I love the sassy ones. This is from the Walla Musick of Farmers Market in Vermont, but thoroughly wrinkly. I've got my favorite jacket on, which is also filled up with hat hair because of that same critter that keeps on jumping in my lap. I took a little bit of a different approach today to writing my notes, letting go of what it all needs to look like. Because what I'm really trying to do is something that I'd like to invite you to do. And this is to just go out there and whatever it is. So if it's You know, we're talking about creating a shift to maybe a different meal plan. Like you're saying, Hey, I want to create a healthier meal tonight. ⁓ I want to cook more at home, or I want to go out and maybe do, you know, a little bit more movement and get some more movement into my life. Whatever that looks like for you. How can you just kind of like let go of what you. think it needs to look like? Perhaps even if you don't have all of the conditions just right, just go and do it. Maybe you're missing an ingredient. Maybe you don't have all the time that you really want, but you know what? You've got this time right here. Perhaps you notice that you're comparing to what it could look like. You know, the Pinterest. Maybe thinking about what it could look like for someone else who's at the gym and just noticing. All right. And yet I'm doing this here now. I do work in improv comedy. And one of the things that they taught me years ago, this is now my goodness, 10 years ago that I started up with improv. And before we go out on stage, everybody is like going around tapping each other saying, All right, I got your back. I got your back. got your back. So tapping on the back and then saying, now go out there and fail. And I was like, I'm sorry. I do not fail. They're like, no, go out there and fail. And again, I'm like, I'm a mom. I'm a doctor, you know, military officer, all these things. Failure is not an option. And what they told me repeatedly, I took so much repetition for this to sink in was that if I'm not going out there and tempting failure, I'm not trying something that's big enough. I'm holding myself back. And so on stage, I could see that I was playing it safe. was playing the same characters. I, you know, wasn't really trying something that was new. I was just doing the same old thing. Well, the same old thing for me and my home is trying to make sure that it's all lined up right. ⁓ my gosh, that is so painful. Or perhaps. It's not going out and doing a different activity or trying a different recipe or, you know, looking at different approaches or different ways to do it. And so right now I'm challenging everything. I'm going out there and failing. have minimal notes today and we're just talking. I've got a cat who is once again up in my business and I hope you got to enjoy her. Here she is. If you're on the video. Yeah, there you go. This is boo. And I'm going out there and I'm tempting failure. Now, the other thing is there is a concept of doing, ⁓ you can kind of like look at your work as having grades and, know, the perfectionist is always looking for a plus plus plus, because of course there's how many pluses can you get, but perhaps thinking about doing. Like mediocre work. you know, B-minus work. What could that look like? What's another version of what I'm doing here today? It's getting it done. It's making it happen. Not so much of a focus on exactly what the grading is, but enough to move on. Enough to say, hey, I'm doing this and I'm learning more along the way. So a lot of times what I do with this is I'm striving for that, you know, B minus or, know, it's enough to be done work, especially for my drafts, because a lot of times what I was coming into, I was trying to do everything effective and efficient, make it awesome. The first time. again, my perfectionism gnomes are coming in and like stalling it, gumming up the whole system. And so now I'm like, running through it as fast as I can just to get it out. And as I hear myself saying that, I think that there's really an opportunity for me to be able to keep doing that with my podcast episodes. So here you go. I'm telling you, this is something where everything that I'm doing within Family In Focus is not something where I'm the person that's coming in and saying, I nailed it. You got to follow my path. Honestly, I want to share that what you're experiencing right now is real. I'm going to say what I'm experiencing is real right here now. So real that I just messed up all those words. don't know what, but what I'm experiencing right now is real too. That's what I meant to say. And so we're working through this together. This is real. This is human. And again, it's not all about. The food, it's not all about the portions. It's about the experiences that we're having and about the relationships that we're developing. Yes, with our food. Yes, with our body and with ourselves along the way. When you can come into it, you can say, you know what? I got your back and you're looking at yourself in the mirror. When you say that now go out there and fail, go out there and fail. Do it big. Do it big and you don't know what's possible. And so how can you do that at dinner? How can you do that by just going out and embracing whatever it is that you want to do today? I don't care if it's movement. Maybe it's something artsy. Maybe you're hitting record on something too. Maybe you have something that you want to present. Whatever it is. Maybe it's a conversation that you want to have with a family member. Go out there and fail. Because along the way, we're either surprising ourselves about what it is that we just did and what is possible, or we are collecting clues and learning lessons about what it is that we're going to do maybe a little bit differently next time. So there you go. That's my challenge to you. Go out there and fail. And then, hey, let me know. I want to know what you just challenged yourself on. So please drop me a line. So you can always email wendy at wendyshoffermd.com because, well, for one thing, it's my email, but also because I want to hear from you. I want to hear how this work is impacting your family and your lives. ⁓ and if you're ready for next episode, go check this out. If you're listening and realizing that you want support applying this in your own family, that's exactly why family and focus exists. well, I'm a doctor. I am not your doctor. Please remember that I am not your doctor. ⁓ podcast is for education, ⁓ medical advice. ⁓ take what fits, ⁓ what doesn't ⁓ be gentle with yourself as you're leading the change. that you want to see for your whole family. love to you.