Fix It or F It? Why Controlling Your Child’s Eating Backfires

Dr. Wendy: If you're finding yourself saying, F it, when you're trying to help your kids creating healthy relationships with their food, with their body, and not messing the relationship that the two of you share along the way, today we're going to be talking about exactly what effort is and I will not be dropping bombs at all. ⁓ It's not what you think. So ⁓ let's have a moment of honesty right here. ⁓ when worried about your child's weight and eating habits, ⁓ stress is high and the collective, cultural focus on controlling their food, how they move, and the impact that that management has on the scale, so controlling the scale, isn't helping. It isn't helping you. It isn't helping them. And in fact, that collective focus that we have on the body, on control, is what's honestly what we've been doing wrong. So I wanna just take a highlight for a moment. If you haven't already caught the episode on the impact of weight stigma in our kids, go check that out. I'll wait here. be here just waiting for you. Okay, ⁓ let's dive in. So that weight stigma is increasing stress. It's a stress that we carry with us with worry and anxiety, fear about health outcomes, fear about what weight means about us, about health for our role as parents, as well as for our children. It's time for us to understand that stress a lot more and what it's doing to our ability to help our kids. So is what happens when we're stressed. In the classic stress response cycle, if you will. You know, you were just like hanging out minding your own business and then you would detect a tiger and you'd be on high alert things would happen in your body. You would start feeling the tension, feeling fear. Your body would get ready to escape. ⁓ there were a couple of different ways ⁓ you could respond in order to make it to see the next day. ⁓ fight, flight, freeze. ⁓ you're in the right place. ⁓ Welcome to Family in Focus. I'm Dr. Wendy Schofer, the pediatrician helping parents lead meaningful change without harm. Here we focus on connection and practical shifts that help families thrive at every size. Let's get started. fawn. if you detected that tiger in the neighborhood, maybe you would throw hands, you would fight, you would run away as fast as you could. Maybe you'd freeze and pray that he doesn't see you ⁓ get friendly and be like, hey, you want to check out one of these cool little Facebook cat videos? Maybe the tiger likes that kind of stuff. Okay, ⁓ not how it works today when parents are stressed. We cannot ⁓ ⁓ kids ⁓ habits and health. It does not work to fight. We've all been there. We all know how that does not work. while getting friendly, becoming a wet blanket and giving in to all of the desires ⁓ ⁓ candy-seeking ⁓ doesn't create meaningful change. Today, a lot of parents are experiencing freeze as a response to modern stress. But instead of praying that the tiger doesn't see you or playing dead, it's actually that sensation of feeling stuck, stuck between a fear of turning in the wrong direction. So diagnoses, repeating shame that you know. bullying, having to deal with another meltdown, or causing more issues, including the fear of seeding eating disorders. This feeling stuck can lead parents to dig in, to dig in for control, which is a new F that we're experiencing right now. We just want to fix it. Just want to fix whatever it is that we can survive to see the next day. or we're turning to find whatever is convenient in the moment. F it. It's kind of like, I just need to feel better right now. Let's just hit the escape hatch. So with those two Fs, fix it and I'll just say F it. Let's understand those a little bit more because this is where we are as parents. When we try to fix, well, that often looks like controlling portions. controlling movement, my god, just get off the couch, trying to control health outcomes, going to the doctor and saying, I need you to help me create change for my child and their health. It sounds a lot like weight management and portion control. Fix It has been our cultural approach to the stress of weight and eating habits. Now on the other side, when we say eff it, well, I commonly hear this when parents are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, surrounded by chaos. Everyone is just needing a piece of you all at once. When that happens, especially around dinner time, let's all be honest, it's the end of the day. It's that witching hour. Everyone is exhausted and demanding of you at the same time. Well, how easy it is to just throw in the towel, f it, and go with the most convenient options. the ones that, well, quite honestly help you survive this moment right now, but perhaps don't tend to address or help the concerns that you have about your family's eating habits for the long run. Effort often looks like giving in in the moment and then giving yourself grief about how nothing is changing. Our kids are seeing this. So whether we like it or not, we are always modeling for our children. So how does it make sense that when they are overwhelmed with anxiety, with demands, with their own version of stress, that they have their own version of fix it. So trying to control what's going on in their life, whether that's food, whether that is their body, whether that is their words and just wanting autonomy so very badly, argue, they push back. Or if have their own version of effort ⁓ and messages ⁓ that something wrong with them ⁓ along way. Whether we are trying to control or looking for an easier way to fix what it is that we're experiencing right now, it's really often about the stress that we're experiencing. So if we want to create changes, changes for ourselves, for our children, for our entire family without the harm of restriction, shame, and all the food fights, we need to shift our focus, quite honestly, to understanding the stress. to the thing that we are so desperately trying to run away from, but we can't. To understand why it is that we are coping, what it is that we're trying to cope with, and how we often turn to food to do that. Yes, this is uncomfortable. We don't wanna feel stress anymore. No one does. We all wanna stop it. But that's the problem at the core of our struggles with our current habits. repeating ⁓ is easy, what feels better in the moment right now, and it's backfiring ⁓ the long run. And it's disrupting the relationships that we actually want to share in our homes. So let's shift this conversation to dinner tonight. What do you need to decrease your stress around dinner? I know you want your kid to eat differently, but for now, let's just assume that that's a work in progress. You know, it's gonna take some time for them to change. What do you need? The answer is really important to listen to. And I'm going to be honest with you, more often than not, I hear parents say, I just need a break. I need some quiet. I need some space. I need them to leave me alone. Listen to that answer. What do you need? And then how can you offer yourself a sip of that? How can you do just one thing to be able to decrease your stress in that moment, to address your needs? children will experience the ripple effect of it. This is what it means ⁓ us to be able to create change without harm, to lead the changes that we want to see in our families. My it starts with addressing what you need. ⁓ It always does. In order to be able to help our children, we as parents just need to be equipped with more tools and supports to address our own needs. Yeah, this is everything. If you're ready to dive in more, you wanna learn more about how I help families just like yours, come on over to wendyshowformd.com and learn about family and focus and how we can work together. Now I want you to remember that while I'm a physician, I am not your doctor. So this is not medical advice. Please, that's why the conversation is so very different from any conversation you've ever had in the doctor's office. Keep your physician. That's how you get the most wonderful, optimal care. Tell them that I said hi. Take what fits, leave what doesn't. And remember, you... are creating the change you want to see in your family. It is truly my greatest honor to be here with you.